bilis ng buhay. grabe, parang kelan lang misis na ako, tapos ngayon may sumisipa na sa tummy ko.  funny lang kasi sobrang likot and in these times, na-appreciate ko si Mama at lahat ng mothers sa mundo.  hirap din pala maging preggy pero fulfilling especially everytime you'll feel the tiny bubbles or flutters inside your tummy... grabe, rewarding.  last 14 nagpa-ultrasound kami. confirmed na it's a boy and healthy. medyo di nga lang proportion yung weight niya don sa length niya kasi sobrang haba ng baby. wish ko lang tumangkad din siya.... hehehe... so double time ako sa paghabol ng weight nang baby. healthy naman siya and sobrang playful. "GOOD BEHAVED HANDSOME GROWING HEALTHY BIG BABY BOY" --- daddy

funny nga kasi nung nakita ng daddy niya yung actual ultrasound, bigla raw siyang kinabahan. tapos nagkaroon ng self-realization na daddy na ako. first time kasi niya na makasama sa ultrasound eh. last time may work siya.

anyways, sobrang kakatuwa siya kasi smart yung baby... sabi ng sonologist, say "hi" to mommy and daddy, tapos he waved his right hand. while measuring naman yung foot length niya, walang tigil kaka-kick. tapos nagcover pa siya ng face kasi titignan sana namin. grabe, sobrang nakakatawa. kasi morning person na yung baby, parang shy pa. tsk.. tsk.. kanino kaya nagmana yon?

next week, start na ako sa mommy-to-be-academy. excited ako kasi for sure madaming bago. hehehe...

it was never easy to be broken and to be disciplined by God, but i know that it's worth the hardship and pain.  the Lord has been dealing this to me but due to my busyness, i tend to ignore it and dealt with my weaknesses on my own.  i have gone through a lot lately.  i have been violating myself, God, Mike, family and the church.  my relationship is slowly dying because i focussed to much on the things that won't last.

i know that God gave this work. i know that He has a plan on bringing me here... but the question is, am i respondent to that call? am i responsible to my actions? am i driven to the vision that God wants me to do? this is not to condemn myself, but to accept the mistakes that i have done.

i don't want to compromise another day. i don't want to break another simple rule. i don't want to break the trust that my loved ones gave me. i don't want to hurt myself. as what my OM Lance told me, "You cannot embrace new things if you're dwelling much on your past. You cannot learn and be molded if your not willing to break your own principles and habits."  such a confirmation.

since Sunday night, all i was hearing was about breaking, obedience, brokenness. that statement of Lance and the things that Bishop Chito said were all from God. i claim it that it was He who said that, and for that i should take action. i don't want to be disciplined the hard way. that is why i am going to obey.

i have to be firm and be deeply rooted with the Word. i have to soak and seek more of His presence. i want to bring back the passion that i have before when i chose to follow Him.. i want to be deeply in love with the Lord.  i want to be His bride.

when all is said and done, i know that God has forgiven me for my stupidness. and i had forgiven myself and everyone who had hurt me.  it's time to move one. forgetting the pains of the past and look forward to the life that God has in stored for me.

i know that i will be having breakthroughs after breakthroughs after breakthroughs... i know that i will be mightily used for His kingdom. i know and i believe that.

it has been a year and seven months to be exact, and i just can feel the pain inside my heart.  i just acn't help to question God about His plans, but right now, i just can't see His hand moving.

i want to be as honest as possible.  i don't have somebody to share this feelings. of course, i have to protect him.  i have to protect the relationship.  today, i am so hurt.  badly hurt. i just can't describe how was it like last night when i wanted to talk and share my thoughts and he rejected me.  i am not expecting him to say sorry for the unsettled things. all i want is to share my thoughts and ask why did those things happened.  i am so clueless.

i really don't understand what's happening. akala ko okay tayo pero i just can't deny the fact that we're not okay.  i just wrote my thoughts last night and i must admit that it helped me for a while not to think of you, but reality... i do miss you and i want to talk things over.  i was hoping thet you'll gonna start the conversation right kasi sabi mo after the meeting.  pero you just asked me raising your voice.  if you're mad and hurt, i do feel that too. but i just don't want to argue because i'm sick of it. i want to talk and settle things down.  i am not hoping that we'll gonna be ending together, but i do admit that it'll surely hurt me when we part ways. you know that i love you but i can no longer stand the way that you're treating me. making me feel that i am always at fault.  i know i have my share of mistakes and i am willing to make it up to you, not only by an apology but with a changed heart.

ii'm really disappointed today. the way that you talked to me. the way that yu raised your voice.  remind you that you promised me that you'll never gonna do that, but words fail... you just did. and what hurts all the more is that it has been intentionaly done.

the guys ask me things about you... and it was so hard to put on a smile because i know that they can discern my spirit and know that i am not okay.  but i don't want to put you on the spot. not even our relationship.

i'm now okay. i just gave my thoughts. i am not hoping that you'll love me, because i know that you do. it just so happen that there are times that when that love turns into hate.  i'm tired of this relationship and i know so are you.  one thing i ask is that if we can't work things out, can we settle it properly.  let's talk civil and be friends after all we'll be churchmates. and if you won't cooperate, guess i just have to leave the church and give you space to breathe in.

Happy Anniversary!!!

just another rainiy day... but i must say that i missed blogging. had a tough vacation - stuff in school, family, ministry and life. basta sobrang toxic ang buhay. pero i have to pursue the call that God has given me. i have to prove myself worhty of His faithfulness. hay... tapos relationship was not doing well. i moved out of the church (fecp). member na ng river of God church sa galleria. okay naman ang family doon. so warm and friendly.  they opened ew doors for the ministry like cell writing... enough of the church muna. basta i praise God kasi he led me to this family, where i can experience his fullness and grow spiritually with my brothers and sisters in Christ.

last night, we had a talk. sobrang out pouring kaya ng heart yon kasi lately i'm confused with the situation. i started to ask God kung kami ba talaga. basta i asked for more revelations from him. sobrang iba na kasi ang takbo ng hangin.

first... it was eighth month and it was so special. hunny gave me a blue rose and my favorite chocolate - cadbury roast almonds... so sweet and i do appreciate it. we watched the movie 'close to you' find it baduy at first but after seeing it, we both enjoyed it. we kinda related ourselves during the best friend days or shall i call it courtship? i dunno.

just want to shout out... so happy!!!  

 Bakit ganon? I have this feeling na ayaw niya ako kasama. Kanina pa ako dakdak ng dakdak pero deadma. Masyado na ba akong madaldal? Bakit? Tinalikuran niya ako habang nagsasalita. Tapos parang wala siyang kasama. Aray! Sobra na ito. Kahit saan ganito ang scene – mapachurch, bahay, pati ba naman sa kanya? I’m so frustrated. Ang sama ng loob ko. Wanna freak out. Gusto kong sumigaw. Gusto ko umiyak. Gusto ko ilabas itong nararamdaman ko kasi sasbog na ako. Sensi ba ako masyado? O pressured lang siya sa report niya? May nasabi ba akong di maganda? Hindi ko talaga maintindihan. Naman… ang hirap huminga. I have to pour it out. Kung ayaw niya ako makasama, then be it. Sana lang wag na siyang mangiistorbo sa akin. Kanya-kanyang buhay na lang. I can busy myself with a lot of things. Wag na siyang umasa na may puwang pa siya sa akin. Wag umasa na bibigyan ko siya ng time para makasama ako. Ilang ulit kong sinabi na wag nang dymagdag pero di ba niyang pwedeng iwasan yon? Mahirap bang intindihin? Siguro nga kailangan ng space. Ayoko munang makipag-usap hanggang sa masanay na wala na akong nararamdaman. Sana lang wag umabot sa point na kinakain na ng sama ng loob lahat ng pagmamahal ko sa kanya. Ayoko rin kasi na mangyari yon. Bumababa na tingin ko sa sarili ko. Sasabihin ko na naman kasi na di ko na siya papansinin pero di ko rin naman kaya. Di ko talaga siya kayang tiisin. Di ko talaga kaya. Mahal ko eh. Kahit ilang ulit na masaktan, wag lang siya mawala. Ksp na ba ako? O hormones lang ito? Pero hindi, feelings are valid. Gusto kong makapag-isa. Ayoko na. Inis ako. Inis ako sa kanya, sa lahat ng tao. Inis ako sa sarili ko dahils isang lapit lang niya bumubigay na ako. Naiiyak na ako. Hay. Iwasan ko muna magsalita para di na ako makasakit pa. Iiwasan ko muna and let this anger fade.

C2... cool and clean green tea started the convo. actually, i'm kinda feeling okay na, but still need space to think about the overwhelming responsibilities i had. what a mess i just did?

well, i talked to my friend sky and we get to share our hearts' cry. we almost have the same sentiments - he missing ja, and i missing mike. we also shared sories regarding the church and ministries... including the scorpions in our lives.

ha... reminded of the nehemiah assignment at management. enough of the blogging and do the work.

conclusion of the C2??? mike went here and brought me a lemon C2. ending??? we ended up holding hands.  (di ko talaga kaya siyang tiisin)

FBC appreciation party is over. I really enjoyed the day or rather say this week. It may sometimes get a little freaky but I know that it is a part of the molding experience. I will never regret this week. It may be filled with tears, but it gave me such joy. It all started last Tuesday about the Valentine’s date – which I must admit frustrates me. Then Wednesday, the no talk policy in school, arguing in the text, and later reconciled on the phone. Thursday was a long day for my hunny and me. We had our classes and the chapel service, which I want to praise God for using my gurlfriend Jana. I am so grateful because I can see her joy in serving the Lord and her process of knowing more about herself. I love her so much… my constant shoulder, aside from ate cands, especially when hunny is the reason. Still Thursday, we did the backdrop of the party. Got home late but enjoyed dinner with my family. It was a nice short time but indeed perfect time to share the love God has bestowed upon us.

Today, was a great day. The faculty enjoyed the party and everything ends well. Glory to God!!! JJJ  After the party, we went to the cotillion dance of enyang. Hunny is still with me (quite sad because I want to spend sometime with my girlfriends, glai and ja, but I want to spend time with hunny more). Alam nila yan!!!  We spent time together, and I must say that I miss him.

Now, I’m tired yet so happy. And I had found exceeding joy… my heart won’t stop praising His name. God indeed is the source of all joy and peace. I can feel His love through disciplining and blessing me such character – PATIENCE. Looking forward to the molding of my humility. I love you Lord…. Mwah!